To Loathe Thy Love
by CEP914
Summary: **Edited 2/27/12** Stephanie comes home to find a mystery envelope waiting for her that turns her head and stomach. What's in it? Who dropped it off?
1. Shock of a Lifetime

Disclaimer: Don't own them. Not making any money.

A/N: This is a fill in the blank three-shot. (You'll understand when you read the last chapter).

Hope you like it! And thanks for reading.  
-Cyn

* * *

**To Loathe Thy Love  
Chapter 1: Shock of a Lifetime**

I'm not sure how long I stood motionless staring at my dining room table in shock. The mysterious envelope's contents spanned the whole table top. The clarity of what I was looking at made it seem as if I was the one holding the camera only a few feet away from the unfolding scenes, ready to capture every second on film.

I had come home to find various things dropped off in my apartment so many times I lost count. Hell I've even received other disturbing pictures in the past. But these . . . these without a doubt took the cake. The pictures displayed before me have set the bar so high that now I doubt anything I encounter will ever compare to this moment with these pictures.

The part that really gets to me though, the thing that made me freeze when my brain registered what I was seeing, wasn't the scene captured in print. It was the person who printed them on 8 x 10 quality photo paper before chronologically enclosing them in a plain manila envelope with a simple four word explanation written in black ink across the front.

Forcing down the bile that was building in the back of my throat, I calmly gathered the glossy photographs and slid them back into their envelope. I grabbed my pocketbook, my surprise "gift" firmly clutched in my left hand, and headed out the door to my car.

It was a tossup on where I should go first. _Who would be the first to regret doing this to me?_ My body made the decision, going on autopilot as a familiar road opened up to me. I hit every green light making the short drive in record time. There was no thinking in the quiet of my car; even the hum of nearby traffic was blocked out of my head. My ears were useless for the time being with my mind as blank as a white sheet. I had no idea what I was going to do when I arrived but damned if I gave a shit right now.

Keying my way in, I parked in my usual spot by Rangers cars. All of which were accounted for. Just as I closed my car door behind me with only my envelope in hand, the elevator dinged. Junior stepped out giving me a warm smile as Cal stood by the elevator and held the doors open for me.

"Hey Bomber," Junior greeted walking towards one of the standard issue Rangeman Escapes. "Keeping out of trouble, I hope?"

Giving a short nod and half smile I walked past them both into the elevator. Cal looked at me curiously but said nothing until I asked where Ranger was.

"Gym," was, thankfully, all he said.

I pressed the correct floor giving him a half nod too in acknowledgement. Another second passed as we stared at each other before he moved him arm and jogged towards the car Junior already started.

The ride up was short, leaving me no time to think about what I was going to accomplish by coming here right now. A normal person would probably be at home in a ball crying for the injustice of the double betrayal but then again I never claimed to be normal.

As the doors slid open quietly it revealed Lester doing some damage to a punching bag, Bobby setting a fast pace on a treadmill, and Hal doing arm curls with weights bigger than his head, all the while Tank and Ranger were dripping with sweat as they traded blows on the mats.

Seeing Tank spare me a glance Ranger landed a sharp kick to the back of his left leg, sending Tank to his knees. In a flash Ranger had him in a headlock that cut off his air supply. Knowing it would take less than a minute for the big guy to pass out Tank tapped his hand against Rangers arm in surrender. He was released only a second later. Both men were panting slightly as they gathered themselves together.

My walk was steady as I made my way to stand right in front on Ranger. For a split second I was still unsure of what I was going to do when I saw a slight twitch of his lips.

"Babe."

It was that twitch, _that amusement,_ that sent my right hand sailing in the air. My palm connected harshly to his cheek with a resounding smack that echoed in the now silent gym. The force of the unexpected blow sent Rangers head twisting to the side.

His head moved slowly back towards me, shock clearly written all over before his blank face slammed down.

"You're right," I said evenly. "You are _so_ fucking right," some bile surged again but quickly turned into venom as I continued, my voice growing louder every second. "I _do_ deserve better. I deserve a friend that will stand by me through bad times. I deserve a friend that will comfort me even if I don't deserve it. I deserve a friend that will _not _shove _disgusting_ photos down my throat. I deserve a _friend_," I screamed.

Ripping open the envelope I threw the pictures at Ranger one by one. Photos of Joe Morelli in the bed we usually shared these days with some redhead I recognized as a nurse flew through the air before falling mostly face up on the floor at our feet.

The photos showed their bodies naked and glistening with his dick in _every_ hole in her body with such focus I could easily count the number of hairs on their lower bodies. All of them were time stamped with one of two dates. Nine days ago during midday or today's date . . . just three hours ago.

I continued my tirade, barely just getting started. "You're the one that sent me back to him after you fucked me, leaving without a second glance as you yanked your pants back in place!" There was a surprised gasp that I ignored and plowed on. "You're the one who told me I was better off with him! You're the one who pushed me towards this and now you have the _balls_ to tell me I deserve better?" Shaking my head in disgust my voice dropped back down. "Well fuck you Ranger." I lifted my eyes to his and let all the anger I felt tightly coiled inside me show through my eyes. "Not only do you have these pictures taken but to have them blown up like this? To leave them for me to find with nothing but a scribbled 'Babe – You Deserve Better' on some fucking envelope, it disgusts me." My voice shook as I struggled to force the next words from my throat. "_You _disgust me," I finish on a whisper.

Turning my back on the room I didn't bother walking towards the elevator, instead I dart straight for the stairs running down them two at a time. My blood was burning like fire in my veins making it hard to concentrate. My breath came out in fast pants. The pressure in my eyes doubled – tripled – until I had to bite my bottom lip, roughly breaking through its skin, to keep the tears at bay.

_I will not break here. I will not break here. I will not break here._ I repeated over and over in my head.

_Not in his building. Not here. Please God not here._

Throwing open the garage door when I reach the bottom I see the gates open and thank whoever is in the control room when I realize no car is coming or going. Not even bothering to get in my own car to escape, I run past it and out the open gate. Greedily I suck down large gulps of air as my body revolts against itself, not even making it five feet from the building before my legs gave out under me.

I scraped my palms, one still red from earlier, as I landed clumsily on my hands and knees. Unable to hold back anymore, tears begin rolling steadily down my face as I struggle to breathe properly. My lungs ache for a decent breath but I can't focus enough to get one as loud sobs rip their way out of my throat. The sounds I make don't even seem human to my ears.

Just as I start to see bright dots creep up into my vision, Lester suddenly drops down in front of me. His hands grip my head forcing it towards his. The green of his eyes are filled with nothing but protection and worry. The instinct to fight him, to get away from him and this building are gone in a whirlwind of emotions when he speaks.

"I swear to you Stephanie that I knew nothing about whatever went down that lead to those pictures." His eyes are filled with so much heartache for me I can't help but believe him, to trust him to help me now. He smiled lightly before continuing. "I _will_ do anything to help you, you know that Beautiful, but first I need you to calm down and breathe. I don't want you passing out now."

My breathing remained ragged as I stared helplessly into the small comfort of his eyes. The feeling of being lightheaded began to settle heavily in my head.

"Oh no you don't," Les whispered firmly. "Don't you dare faint on me Steph." He pulled my body up against his, my face only an inch away from his as his breath flowed over me. He kept his eyes locked on mine as his voice softened slightly. "Keep looking at me Steph. Breathe with me. Just relax and follow me. Slowly. Take a deep breath through your nose and let it out through your mouth. Just like that. Perfect Steph," he said even more softly as I struggled to do as he asked. "Just like that."

We breathed together for long minutes with him whispering encouragement while never letting his gaze waver from mine even once. Eventually the bright dots disappeared. My head hurt like hell now but I wasn't in danger of passing out anymore.

An endless stream of tears continued to pour from my eyes though, which I finally closed after letting myself collapse into the safety of Lester's arms. He held me tight to his body, cradling me as best he could in our awkward position on our knees. My hands gripped onto his sweat and tear soaked t-shirt like it was my last lifeline.

"I got you Beautiful. I got you."

As my heart steadied itself Lester changed his grip on me, moving his left hand under the back of my knees while keeping his right arm tight around my back. Half a second later he was standing tall with me cradled in his arms.

Panic set in as he took a step towards the garage. I tried to get out of his grasp but my arms were so weak I could barely flick them against him.

"Shhh Stephanie," Lester breathed against my ear. "You won't have to see anyone you don't want to. I swear you won't, ok?"

I held tense in his arms before relaxing and nodding my head.

"Ok. Good." He started walking again to the once again open gate. "Now I need you to make a decision for me Beautiful. You're in no shape to drive but I will take you anywhere you want to go . . . after you get your lip fixed."

Just mentioning my mangled lip caused its pain roaring up to the front of my mind. "Ow," I cried softly, my hand moving towards it. The pain sharpened when my fingers ghosted over the bloody mess.

I felt Lester chuckle softly. "Yes, ow." We stopped in front of my car. Les softly nudged my forehead with his chin, making me look up into his eyes once more. They were completely open to me letting me see how much he just wanted to help me. "I know you don't want to be here but you can either come with me up to my room so Bobby can take a look . . . or I can drive you to the ER."

Again I tensed at the mention of going to the hospital. With my luck I'd see the damn redhead. "Just Bobby?" I asked softly.

Les nodded. "Just Bobby. I promise I won't let anyone come if you don't want them." He grinned slightly. "You got your own army of MerryMen about to make damn sure you get your way no matter what." He whispered conspiratorially into my ear, "There be a mutiny underfoot milady." There was a drawn out 'Argggg' as well at the end.

He got what wanted when I laughed, loving and hating him since it made my lip ache more.

"There she is," Les smiled wide. "I knew my favorite, beautiful bounty hunter was in there somewhere." He took a step towards the waiting elevators, pausing to look at me critically. "Bobby?"

Taking a deep breath, I leaned my head back against his shoulder, being careful my lip didn't touch anything, and closed my eyes. "Bobby," I confirmed. There was just no way Lester would make me see _him _if I didn't want to.

Lester's footsteps were the only sound I registered as he walked us into the elevator. He didn't so much as shift me to press the correct button; instead he just relaxed against the back as the elevator began its ascent. Mentally I sent another thank you to whoever was in the control room.

I tried to feel embarrassed about the scene I made but I was just too tired, mentally and physically, to care. Being so angry took everything out of me.

The doors opened after a few moments to the guy's apartments but all was quiet. Not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse. I giggled despite trying to stop. I felt Lester look at me but I kept my head firmly planted against his shoulder and my eyes shut.

My eyes only opened when he turned left and a door softly shut behind me.

We were in his apartment. The living room was just ahead of us, a small kitchen to the right and his bedroom to the left where I assumed there was a connecting bathroom. The base tones he chose where dark: black leather seating and chocolate brown carpeting. The coffee and side tables a deep natural wood that fit perfectly in his space. But everywhere color was popping up. All the shades of green and blues gave the place life and personality in the knickknacks scattered about. Les' piece de résistance was a huge flat screen TV mounted on the wall to the left next to the bedroom archway.

Bobby was leaning against the bar separating the kitchen from the living room, a large black bag hanging from his right hand. His eyes were kind but there was a tightness in his smile that concerned me. I wasn't sure if it was at the situation or me specifically.

The three of us said nothing though as Lester carried me into his bedroom, carefully putting me down so my back was against the black leather headboard. The outer wood frame was the same as his side tables out in the living room. The bed was a comfy King with a light green and white patterned comforter. In here were two more side tables, two dressers and a small closet.

Bobby came in just as Lester reached down and took off my right sneaker. Startled, I pushed his hands away with a light blush on my cheeks. "I can do that myself."

"Shut up," he said lightly. "I'm taking care of you. Don't take away a reason for me to touch you." He gave me a quick grin and a wink before pushing my hands away and taking off my other shoe.

Bobby faced me and rolled his eyes. He moved next to Lester and smacked the backside of his head. "Get away from her you leech."

Lester faked scowled but sat on the bed by my feet.

Bobby focused his attention to my face. "That's a pretty nasty cut you got there Bomber."

The blush that just faded came back full force. "I didn't mean to do it," I said quietly and looked down.

Bobby cupped my chin and lifted my head so he could see my eyes. "Well I know that. It was a . . . ah . . . difficult situation to deal with. Let's just get you cleaned up and we won't have to say another word about it." This time his smile was gentle through and through. When I nodded he asked if the lip was the only thing he needed to see.

I was about to say yes when Lester tapped the side of my legs causing me to look down. And just like with my lip, my knees pulsed with heat and pain. "Oh." My jeans were torn and bloody at the knees. "I tripped outside," I said even though it was obvious what happened. I lifted my hands up to inspect them. They were scraped slightly with only a tiny bit of blood and dirt on them.

"You had a lot of adrenaline pumping in your system. That's why you didn't feel them right way. The pains going to get a little worse as it leaves your system," Bobby explained before telling Lester to bring me into the bathroom so he could clean my legs and palms properly.

Les did as asked, picking me up even though I protested, carrying me the short distance. Every surface was so white and shiny I had to blink a few times to focus. He set me on the closed toilet before walking back out into the bedroom. Bobby came in and set his bag on the counter pulling out a bunch of things I didn't want to see so I looked away.

Walking back in with a pair of gray gym shorts, Les handed them to me. When I looked at him confused he grinned and explained. "Your jeans gotta come off for Bobby to help Beautiful."

I looked down at my legs. Right. They left the room for a moment while I struggled to stand and push my jeans down my legs. When I got them to my knees I gasped loudly as the material stuck, forcing some cuts to open and bleed more when I finally yanked and pulled the jeans off.

Tiredly I sank back onto the toilet and stared at the dirty bleeding mess that was now my knees. They were red and swollen and some bruising was already popping up. They'll be as purple as an eggplant before long. With a sigh I gingerly lifted one leg slipping it into the loose material of the shorts before repeating with the other foot. Gritting my teeth I braced myself and quickly lifted my ass, pulling the shorts to cover me just as Bobby knocked and walked in.

He grimaced when I pulled the too long shorts up to bunch around my thighs. "You sure did a number on yourself Bomber," he said kneeling in front of me. "There's a lot of dirt in there. I'm gonna have to clean pretty deep to get it all out."

"Perfect."

He smiled and stood, pausing just to kiss my forehead before pulling a vial of clear liquid from his bag. "Don't worry, I'm going to send you to Happy Land so you won't feel a thing. This way I don't have to numb up your lip when I close it. You'll be patched up and good as new when you wake up."

I forced my eyes away from the needle he was filling up when Lester came in. He frowned when he got a good look at my legs, already redder than a few moments before. He glanced at the needle coming for me seriously. "Bobby's sending me to Happy Land." I could use some happy in my life, I thought bitterly.

Les walked over and lightly kissed the good side of my mouth. "We make our own happiness Beautiful," he whispered and kissed my forehead too.

I was too nervous to blush as Bobby lifted my right arm cleaning part of it with an alcohol wipe. Damn needles. My eyes shut on their own accord. Lester graciously held my other hand tightly as the needle went smoothly into my arm. I let out a long breath and waited patiently for my Happy Land.

* * *

I was floating somewhere between conscious and unconsciousness. Voices talked indistinctly somewhere near me. I struggled to pay attention but I only heard snippets of sentences.

". . . Going to be upset when she wakes up."

". . . Didn't look close enough."

". . . Still fucked up."

". . . Does deserve better than him."

". . . Better than us all."

". . . Figure out who took them."

". . . Want to hurt them all."

". . . Have to watch closely again."

". . . Can't get hurt anymore."

Confused I slowly sunk back into Happy Land where all thoughts were banned.

* * *

A/N: I promise it's not as messed up as it sounds! Things do get better! And of course worse ;)

Chapter Two: The Truth of the Matter.


	2. Truth of the Matter

Disclaimer: Don't own them. Not making any money.

A/N: Things are hardly ever what they seem . . .

Hope you like it! And thanks for reading.  
-Cyn

* * *

**To Loathe Thy Love  
Chapter 2: The Truth of the Matter**

I felt a reassuring pressure across my stomach as I slowly came back to consciousness. Struggling to open my eyes I found myself blinking up at an unfamiliar ceiling. I blew out a sigh of relief when I turned my head and saw a familiar pair of green eyes. Everything that happened earlier came rushing back to me. It was a struggle to keep myself from breaking down again but I managed, stealing some strength from Lester's presence and kind eyes.

He was lying on his side, one hand propped up to support his head. "How are you feeling?" The hand casually thrown across me started rubbing soothing circles on my side.

I tensed and relaxed my body, taking stock of my physical concerns and completely ignoring what he was really asking. "My knees feel stiff and my lip is tingly but it's not so bad. I'll survive."

Lester smiled slightly. "Good."

I was snuggled under the comforter while he lay freshly showered and clothed on top of the covers. Before either of us could say anything else my stomach growled loudly breaking up our little awkwardness. We both laughed and he quickly jumped off the bed and left the bedroom.

He called out from the other room, "I ordered some pizzas a while ago. They should still be warm." A couple of minutes later he came in carrying two pizza boxes, a bunch of napkins, and a couple bottles of water.

I sat up but stayed under the covers as he spread everything out on the bed. My knees burned in protest but my stomach trumped the ache when it rumbled even louder than before.

"A veggie pizza for me and a Hawaiian with extra ham and pepperoni for the pretty lady," he said shaking his head.

"Hey! It's got fruit," I defended my longtime favorite. The smell alone nearly had me drooling.

He smirked but said nothing as we started to dig in, sitting side by side. I chewed carefully, being mindful of my lip and the after effects of the drug Bobby gave me. My stomach felt a little queasy the first couple of bites but now as Lester and I sat in quiet contentment against the headboard it felt full and wonderful. I put away three of my slices but there were only pieces of crusts left in Lester's box.

My eyes flittered closed a few times as the silence continued.

"Tired?" he asked softly but still managed to make me jump at the sound.

My eyes snapped open and I looked sheepishly at Lester. "Kinda. Whatever Bobby gave me still has a little hold on me."

He nodded. "He said it might before he left."

"So everything is ok?" I asked thinking that I probably should have asked before now.

"You're fine," Lester said with a smile. "Your knees are going to be stiff and tender for a week or two and your lip should heal just fine. He gave you some antibiotics just to be extra safe and said if you got feverish or if you started oozing you need to promise to call him ASAP."

Oozing . . . nasty.

Lester stared at me expectantly when I didn't say anything. "Oh," I laughed softly, still grossed out at the possible nastiness. "I promise I will call if I start oozing." He continued to stare at me. I halfheartedly sighed. "Or if I get a fever."

He nodded satisfied and turned his head towards the ceiling. We were quiet for a couple more minutes before he spoke again. "You trust me don't you Stephanie?"

I frowned, but then tried to keep my lips straight when something was tugged the wrong way. "Of course I do. You're one of my best friends Lester." When he didn't look at me I grabbed his hands in one of mine and squeezed. "What's the matter?"

"I need to talk to you about something. You're not going to like it," he continued finally turning to look at me. "In fact you're going to hate it. You're going to freak out but I need you to know straight up that _no one_ is mad at you. _Not one person _in this building is mad at you. Do you understand?"

My body went still. I had to remind myself to breathe. It took me a minute to find my voice. When I did it was low and cracked. "Is this about what happened earlier?"

When I tried to look away he grabbed my chin gently but held it firmly so I couldn't look away. "It is but like I said _no one_ is upset with you in the slightest ok? Not even Ranger. _Especially _not Ranger. Tell me that you understand that."

"O-ok," I stammered out still preparing for the worst but very happy I didn't cringe at the sound of _his_ name. My eyes still grew heavy with tears I was just barely managing to hold back.

He sighed clearly not happy with my watery eyes. "I want you to walk me through your day. When you found the envelope. Can you do that for me?"

I tried to keep the tears back but they had a mind of their own and started trailing down my cheeks when everything flew through my mind again. "Why?" Whether the tears were because of Joe or Ranger, I wasn't sure.

"Please Stephanie. I know it hurts but I really need you to do this for me. Trust me on this," he finished quietly.

With a deep breath I thought back to the beginning of my day before answering slowly. "I woke up around 8ish at Joe's and took Bob out for a walk before going to the bonds office. Stayed there for about half an hour before Lula and I went after my only skip. Showed up at his house but it was cleaned out and his car wasn't there. We asked around for a while but no one knew where he was. Just told us he packed up and headed out in the middle of the night a couple days ago."

Les smiled encouragingly. "Ok, then what happened?"

"We left and headed for the mall. Macy's was having a good sale on shoes."

Lester laughed softly with a teasing glint in his eyes. "How many credit cards did you max out?"

I huffed and knocked his hand away from my chin, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hands. Thankfully the tears had stopped. For now anyways. "I only bought two pairs."

He quirked his head to the left, studying me. "Trouble at the bonds office?"

I flushed at the worry in his voice. "It's a little slow right now," I admitted, "but I'm set for a while so don't go gossiping and getting everyone worked up about it."

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I know how independent you are Beautiful but you have to understand that the guys here think of you as family."

"I _do _know that," I said, my voice a little stronger with annoyance.

"We look after family here. We protect what's ours. Maybe we're a little caveman about it," he laughed at the look I gave him. "Ok a _lot _caveman about it but it's just how we are. You're one of us just as much as you are ours. Does that make sense?"

After some thought I said, "I get it. I'm like a little sister but I'm still one of the guys."

Lester grinned wide. "Exactly. That's why we worry so much about you. We want to make sure you have everything you need. Everyone fights like crazy just to get to spend some time around you even if that just means watching from a distance when one of your crazies is loose."

Feeling more embarrassed by the second I scoffed. "They just want some of the action that's always around me."

His eyes tightened in irritation. "That's a load of bullshit and you know it. Every single person in this building would give their life for you Stephanie. Not out of obligation like you try to convince yourself to believe. You_ are _our family and damned if we're going to let someone pluck a single hair off your head." He frowned as he eyed lips. "Unfortunately we can't beat you up for hurting yourself."

I stuck my tongue out at him. Asshole. "Ok so I'm family I already know that. What's your point?"

"My point is that when things are slowing down at Vinnie's don't get so caught up on being independent that you won't talk to us about it." He lightly covered my lips with his hand when I opened my mouth to argue. "For some of the guys you are their _only_ family. You're the only person outside of Rangeman that thinks they're one of the good guys. You're the only person to believe in them. So even if all you take from them is a simple lunch, or a ride, use them to talk to, or whatever . . . they are beyond happy Stephanie. You made this place a home for all of us. We just want to even an impossible scoreboard a bit however we can but you never let us." He cleared his throat and grinned, taking away the small bite of his next words. "So shut the hell up about being independent and tell us your damn problems however big or small woman. That's an order."

When he moved his hand away from me I kissed his cheek softly and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. "I promise to try to be more accepting of the guys' kindness. Big or small." I took a breath before leaning back and glaring with everything I had. "But sure as hell there will be absolutely NO dying for me, got it? We're all gonna be old, wrinkly, and smelly before any of us hits the dirt. Spread it around that they're answering to me about that one."

Lester's eye roll was worthy of any Burg girl. "Whatever. Now stop stalling and finish telling me about your day. What happened after you got your _two_ pairs of shoes?"

I tensed for a second before taking a deep breath to relax. "Since there was nothing else to do after Lula and I finished shopping and ate lunch, I dropped her back off at the office and went to my apartment. Everything was locked up and looked the same," I paused, "except for the envelope from Ranger sitting on the table." My voice got quiet again. "I was confused with what he wrote but still dumped out the stuff expecting anything but those pictures. I don't know how long I stood there before picking everything up and coming here. You know what happened after that."

He blew out a breath and struggled to find the right words to say. "Did . . . How closely did you look at the envelope?" Looking as confused as I must have felt Lester sighed and reached under his pillow pulling out an evidence bag. Inside was the envelope that the pictures where stuffed in.

Struggling to keep my breath even, I looked from the bag to Lester. His eyes were sad and worried, scaring me as my mind raced wondering what was about to happen. "What's going on, Lester?"

"I would like you to do me a favor and look at the envelope closely for a second. If you do this I swear you will never have to touch it ever again. Trust me when I say you _want _to see it. Really see it."

His eyes were still so open and honest I couldn't help but reach out and take the bag from his hands. Glancing back at him for some comfort, I forced myself to study what lay in my hands.

It was the same as the last time I held it with four words written across the front and a tear down the back from earlier. I looked at it from every angle but nothing was standing out about it. Although . . . now that it's back in my hands something was pushing its way up to the front of my head. The more I stared at it the more my heart sped up. There was definitely something that I was missing.

I want to tell Lester to just spit it out but I couldn't seem to get my mouth to work as minutes ticked by. The longer I held it the more I wanted to drop it but my hands were gripping the bag so tightly my knuckles are turning white.

_What was I missing? What am I supposed to see?_

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath to steady myself before studying the envelope one more time. The back was plain. Just the rip I caused standing out. Flipping the bag over, there was only the four words scribbled for me to see. Only the meaning of the words made my heart ache.

Just as I was about to hand it back to Lester, it hit me.

Like a sudden flip of a switch, I know exactly what Lester wanted me to see.

My stomach fought against itself, bile building like a tidal wave inside me.

Dropping the bagged envelope, I crawl over Lester and run into the bathroom. I collapse as my knees gave out and pulled the lid to the toilet seat up just a second before my stomach revolted. Les followed me in, knelt beside me and held my hair back, as he rubbed my back soothingly with his free hand. It did nothing to calm me instead it made me realize what I could lose because of my stupidity. Over and over my stomach heaved as he murmured words I didn't bother paying attention to. My knees started to burn on the hard tiled floor but I couldn't move. I'm stuck in this endless moment, my stomach unable to quit turning.

By the time the last crumb of dinner is out of me, my throat is raw and I would give anything to make the pain stop.

My lip. My knees. My throat.

_My heart._

Out of exhaustion or mental self-preservation, I pass out in Lester's arms but not before the sight of the words float past my eyes once more time.

'_Babe – You Deserve Better_.'

The writing was slightly looped and tilted to the left.

Ranger always had steady, straight print even if he was rushing.

It wasn't Rangers handwriting.

* * *

A/N: Poor Steph! After everything she did and said - standing up for herself and her feelings - to have it all thrown back at her . . . please don't hate me. I promise everything has a purpose.

Last Chapter: Let Freedom Ring


	3. Let Freedom Ring

Disclaimer: Don't own them. Not making any money.

A/N: When you finish please read the whole _A/N _at the end. It will clear some things up.

Hope you like it! And thanks for reading.  
-Cyn

* * *

**To Loathe Thy Love  
Last Chapter: Let Freedom Ring**

Everything seemed oddly familiar when I woke up from my sudden "nap". There was an arm slung across me rubbing what was supposed to be soothing circles on an inch of bare skin from where my shirt had ridden up. My body tensed automatically when I realized the arm didn't match the owner of the bed I was back on. This arm had held and touched me countless times. It comforted me. It warmed me. It protected me. My body knew this arm well.

There was no need to open my eyes to know that this arm belonged to Ranger.

The circles stopped when I tensed but he didn't move his hand. Instead he gripped my side and pulled me further into his arms, resting his cheek against the top of my head. His lips were right above my ear when he spoke. "Babe."

That was it. That was all he said but it spoke more than any speech he could have given me.

There was no harm done, except what I did to myself. He wasn't going to hold it against me. No reason for me to be dropped off in some random third world country. It would never be brought up again.

I was forgiven.

What I did next shocked the hell out of both of us. A small laugh escaped before I could stop it. My hands flew up to my mouth in an attempt to hide it. He was as still as I was in the quiet room. A second later another laugh escaped, only louder and lasted longer.

"Babe?"

The question in his voice was left unanswered as I finally cracked. I have no idea what the hell was so damn funny but I couldn't stop laughing. Maybe that was why. The situation was so unfair that it was just _that _funny. My laughs bounced off the walls, surrounding us, my hands not muffling the sound at all. A small snort came out and I cracked up even more. I was laughing for so long it was getting harder to breathe. Tears streamed steadily down my cheeks but even then I couldn't stop. The more I laughed the more tears I cried. The more I cried, the more I laughed. It was an endless circle that I wasn't even sure I wanted to stop.

It felt so damn good. It was freeing in a way I couldn't possibly describe but boy did I feel it. Things changed and shifted inside me. Places I didn't know about were opened. Others were locked and thrown away. It was amazing.

Ranger could do nothing but hold me as laugh after laugh shook my body. I was sucking in gulps of air between fits that barely held me over before I was able to get another decent breath in. I don't know how long we lay there but eventually I noticed an ache in my head. Minutes passed and gradually my laughs quieted until I was only hiccupping every now and then. By then every hiccup felt like a stab to my brain, making me wince.

After a few minutes of silence between us – me trying not to move as my head pounded and Ranger trying to decide if he needed to commit me – he finally asked if I was alright.

His voice was soft but it still made me flinch. "My head is about to explode," I whispered back.

"Manic laughter can do that." The amusement in his voice was short lived. "What was that about?"

"Don't know," I turned my head and ducked my head under his chin, snuggling into him to block out the light that wasn't helping my raging headache. "I'm sorry."

"You know if you wanted to put your hands on me, all you had to do was ask, Babe," he tried to joke about my slap and outburst in the gym. Neither of us laughed.

Again we were quiet, both lost in our thoughts. I was so curious when I saw the envelope earlier that it made me reckless. I saw _Babe_ written on it and didn't bother to really look at the damn thing. And now I was paying for it with a busted lip, bruised knees, and a lifetime of guilt.

After everything that Ranger has done for me, the fact that I didn't even question that he would do such a thing makes my stomach turn. I have no doubt that if Ranger knew what (_who_) Morelli was doing he would have told me. But not with those pictures. Never like that.

I let my anger out on the one person who didn't deserve it.

"You're my best friend," I spoke into his neck.

"Babe." His voice was bland but I knew he understood what I was saying.

"You're my best friend," I repeated even quieter.

He took a deep breath, tightening his arms around me slightly. "And you're my best friend."

His words loosened something in my heart. Tank and Mary Lou were our right hands but I knew that what Ranger and I shared ran deeper than just friendship. "I love you." It was the first time I ever admitted it out loud.

It felt good. No more secrets. No more hiding.

Ranger pulled back enough to look into my eyes. His lips twitched slightly but that was all I got from him. "I know." His hand cupped my face, running his thumb over my cheek slowly.

"You love me."

It wasn't a question but he answered it anyways. "Yes."

Unconsciously I pressed my cheek against his hand but I didn't move away when I realized what I was doing. "So now what?" He raised his eyebrow but didn't say anything so I clarified. "What's going to happen between us?"

Ranger considered me for a minute. "What do you want to happen?"

I barely resisted rolling my eyes. Typical. "For the first time in years I know what I want. I know what I need to do and I'm going to do it. We finally admitted we love each other but that's not enough for me right now. As much as I want to I can't lie and say this thing with Morelli didn't screw me up. It's brought up a lot of old insecurities that I have to deal with. I can't do that while we keep dancing around each other."

I paused to take a breath and noticed his eyes were more guarded than a minute ago. That didn't stop me from pushing forward though. This conversation was long overdue. "I need to work on myself for a while before giving myself to someone else again. I've put off really training for my job. I don't know if I want to work for Vinnie forever but I realize I need to stop relying on luck because even I know it won't last for much longer. You saved my ass from so much shit Ranger. I can't possibly thank you enough but I think a good place to start would be to finally take up the offers from the guys to train me a bit."

He nodded slightly. "Alright."

I watched him and waited for more. When he didn't say anything else I sighed. "A little more clarification would be nice right now Ranger."

He smirked. "If you're serious I have no problem making sure you get the training you need. But you need to be sure Steph. It won't be easy. I don't want you quitting on me after a couple hours. Your diet will need to change," he added as if that would be the deciding factor.

I knew my face was as sad as my stomach at hearing that not-so-surprising piece of information. There was no way I could start this and not finish. I owed Ranger. I owed the Merry Men.

I owed myself.

"I'll do it," I said after a minute. My voice was strong enough that his lips lifted at the corners. "Something's got to change in my life and it has to be me. I'm not saying I'm not going to be a pain in your ass because we both know I'm going to fight every step of the way. You just need to be patient and understand I can't go from donuts to bark and twigs in two seconds flat like you guys." I lowered my eyes and my voice. "I need to change Ranger. _I need to_. I'm tired of not being enough." That last part was barely a whisper.

"Hey," he lifted my chin so I would look at him. His eyes were warm but determined. "You are amazing exactly how you are Babe. This isn't about changing you. This should be about making you stronger, not better."

I frowned in confusion. "That's the same thing, Ranger."

He shook his head slowly, never letting his eyes leave mine. "No they aren't. Better means there's something wrong with you. Stronger is just you taking charge of your life."

With a sigh, I sunk back into the comfort of his body, moving my head into the crook of his neck. "So," I said quietly, getting back to my original question, "where does this leave us?"

Ranger kissed the top of my head. "Maybe one day we can give ourselves a shot but until then I think you need to stand on your own for a while."

I know he was just repeating what I said, but it still made my heart ache. "Still wanna be friends with me without all the kisses?"

"Always. You're stuck with me Babe. Deal with it."

I laughed softly at the smirk I knew he was wearing. "Ok." I pressed a light kiss across the part of his neck I could reach. "Tomorrow we'll start. Just stay with me for now, please."

"Tomorrow," he agreed and held me tighter.

I loaded the last of my stuff into my car before heading back inside to wait for Joe in the kitchen. When I called earlier he said he was taking Bob out for a run in the park. There wasn't a better time to do this.

I started a pot of coffee and thought back to last night as I waited.

_"We still need to talk about the envelope Babe."_

_I groaned and pulled back from Rangers warm body. "Damn. I'm not sure who sent it but I'm even more confused if I'm pissed off or just plain grateful that they did."_

_His lips twitched. "No mystery flowers? Notes? Pictures of you half naked I could copy?"_

_I ignored the blush rising to my cheeks. "Nothing like that."_

_"No one hanging around you? Any skips that got touchy?"_

_I thought about it but nothing came to mind. "No. There haven't been a ton of skips for me but they've all been normally pissed off or honestly forgetful. No one stands out."_

_Thankfully Ranger didn't comment about the lack of skips. "Whoever took the pictures was smart Babe. I had my guys check for prints but all of them belonged to you."_

_Damn._

_"So we have no idea who sent them." I saw a look flash in Rangers eyes and nearly groaned again. "No!" My voice was too loud in the quiet space. His lips twitched but he said nothing. "No," I said with a little less force. "I don't need a man on me Ranger. They're pictures. Ugly harmless pictures. I didn't get threatened. If anything this person is helping me." Neither of us believed that but it was still a nice thought. "No man. Besides," I tried to reason with him, "I'll be here for training most days anyways right?"_

_This time he gave me a real smile. "True."_

_"So no man on me."_

_His eyes darkened playfully. "What about a woman on you?"_

_I laughed and smacked his arm. "Only in your dreams Manoso."_

Ranger and I worked out a schedule for me. Two hours of body strengthening exercise in the mornings, offensive and defensive maneuvering in the afternoons, then a couple hours with locks, guns, or knives to wrap up the evening. I was able to bargain for one donut in the morning but I knew the diet was going to suck no matter what.

We spent the night talking and planning and when I finally woke up this morning he was gone. I saw something I had asked for on the nightstand as well as my phone and purse.

I grabbed my phone and ignored all the messages waiting for me. Someone had thoughtfully turned the volume off when they brought my stuff up. Joe was the only call I made. We talked for a few minutes and agreed to meet at his house.

He thought it was for breakfast and probably early morning sex.

If he only knew.

So here I sat waiting for him, sipping on my coffee. My stuff was packed and my key for here was on the table in front of me next to what I had asked Ranger for last night. I was ready for this.

Just as I finished filling my second cup of coffee I heard the front door open.

"Cupcake?"

"In the kitchen," I called out, pouring coffee for him too.

Bob ran up the stairs in the background. Morelli walked into the kitchen sweaty and smiled when I handed him his mug. "Thanks." Joe leaned forward to touch my lip but I held him back.

"Uh-uh. You're all sweaty and smelly."

Joe stayed back but frowned. He thought I fell and busted my lip because I was chasing a skip. I didn't correct him. Surprisingly he didn't say anything else about it. Just sighed and drank his coffee.

I sat at the small table and watched him over the rim of my cup. His hair was shaggier than usual. His sweats were clinging to his legs in places. His sleeveless shirt was soaked with sweat.

Any other day and I would have been all over him, offering to wash his back.

Morelli gulped half of his coffee despite how hot it still was before placing it on the table. "I'm going to go shower."

"Wait a minute. We need to talk." He eyed me but didn't move. I put my own cup down and smiled. "It won't take long Joe, promise."

He nodded and dropped into the seat across from me. It was then that he saw the key and the white sheet on the table. When he glanced at me his eyes were hard. "What's going on Cupcake?"

Using one finger I slid the key towards him. "I won't need this anymore and I want your key to my apartment back. If I don't get it I'll just have the locks changed." Actually I was having the locks changed anyways but he didn't need that piece of information.

He sat in his chair just staring at me. "What the fuck Steph," he finally ground out between clenched teeth. I saw his arm muscles tense and knew his hands were in tight fists under the table.

Taking another sip of coffee I reached for the white sheet and casually flipped it over. The tension in his body completely disappeared in shock.

"I found an envelope in my apartment yesterday afternoon. When I opened it a bunch of pictures fell out. There's a hell of a lot more of these. All time stamped and on different days." I pointed to the redhead in the picture. "You might want to close the blinds next time because I don't think she'll appreciate being the star of her own porno." Joe just continued to stare at the picture. "This is the tamest one. Imagine what the others look like."

Morelli turned red. In embarrassment or anger I wasn't sure. When he spoke I knew. "Manoso been watching me?" The vein in his neck pulsed rapidly.

I laughed before I could stop. His head popped up at the sound. Joe's face was contorted in rage. "Sorry but you have to admit Ranger watching you is pretty damn funny. We both know he doesn't give a shit about you Joe." I wasn't about to admit I thought it was Ranger too, any time soon.

Reaching out, I flipped the picture back over. "I don't know who took the pictures or who dropped them off at my place. There were no prints." His eyes flashed and I had to bite my cheek so I didn't smile. "Don't worry Ranger checked. The boys at the station don't need to know about your extracurricular activities with the night nurse as long as I get my way." Turns out Miss Redhead has her own boyfriend who kept a variety of guns at his place.

Joe leaped out of the chair, and glared hatefully at me. "You're blackmailing me," he shouted.

I stayed calm but watched him closely. He would never physically hurt me but even I knew I was pushing this a little too far. "I prefer to think about it as guaranteeing you don't do anything stupid."

His hands clenched. "What do you want from me?" his voice dropped back down but it was as angry as ever.

"Nothing," I said with a smile. "Absolutely nothing. That's kind of my point. I want you to stay away from me. Go fuck whoever you want because as far as I'm concerned we're over. For good. No more late night visits. No early morning wake-up calls. No more dinners at my parents place. Which I think you might actually consider a good thing."

It was in that moment when reality hit him. I watched as his hands relaxed and his face dropped. The anger was gone but was quickly replaced by pain. "Cupcake, please." The fact that his voice cracked did nothing for me. "I was stupid. I _love_ you. We can get through this."

"No," I said softly. "No we can't Joe."

He was on his knees by my side in an instant, holding my hands in a tight grip. "Please Stephanie. You don't mean that. You're angry with me, I get that. But we love each other. You can't throw all of that away."

I tugged my hands out of his and gently placed them on his cheeks. "I didn't throw away anything Joe. You did."

Standing up, I moved past him and walked into the living room to the side table he always dropped his keys on. Just as I took the key to my apartment off his chain, I heard his footsteps behind me. I didn't bother turning around.

His anger was back in full force. "This is about _him _isn't it? I make a stupid mistake so now you're gonna get even by going to fuck Ranger and his band of goons, aren't you? Bad enough you did it when we were together I just bet they'll love fucking you out in the open now!"

I tucked the key into my pocket before looking at Joe. "His band of goons as you call them have done nothing but befriend and take care of me since the day I met them." It was hard to keep my voice even but somehow I managed. "And not that it's any of your business but I have only fucked one person other than you since I captured your ass years ago. It was a one nightstand when we were broken up. And yes, it was Ranger. And yes it was amazing. But I know how much it hurts to be cheated on and I would _never _do that to you or anyone else. Clearly you can't say the same thing."

He flinched but chose to keep his thoughts to himself.

I shook my head sadly as I headed for the door. "Maybe one day we can be friends again Joe but for now I think you need to stay the hell away from me."

"Cupcake," his voice was back to being soft when I opened the door.

With a smile I didn't feel, I looked at him one last time. "It's time to grow up and admit we never would have worked. We want two completely different lives." Blinking rapidly, I tried to keep the sudden tears at bay. "I really hope you find your perfect woman Joe. No matter what happens between us, I just want you to be happy. I don't apologize for who I am, but I am sorry I wasn't who you needed me to be."

He nodded once and looked down. "Me too, Steph." He cleared his throat but didn't say anything else.

I was happy he didn't look up to see me wipe away the few stubborn tears. "Goodbye Joe." I walked out of his house and shut the door quietly behind me.

I stood on his porch for a minute just letting the sun warm me. It was a beautiful morning. Bright and sunny. Not a cloud in sight. It's supposed to stay like this all day.

Slipping on the sunglasses that where hanging from my shirt, I headed to my car. With luck I'd be back at Rangeman early for my appointment with Ranger in the gym. Maybe Ella would make a nice breakfast that wasn't all tofu and celery sticks.

I knew I was about to get my ass kicked by Ranger and his men but I couldn't stop the smile that popped up at the thought.

I was actually looking forward to it.

It was time to start new, spread my wings and fly.

* * *

A/N: I just want to go back to the A/N in Ch. 1. _**This is a fill in the blank three-shot.**_ I know some of you are not going to be happy with how this ended but I want to say that this story was never about the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids HEA, who gets the girl, or even about who put the envelope in Steph's apartment. It's about Stephanie's personal growth. Call it a prequel if you will before Steph makes all the hard decisions. This is the _why_ before she gets her act together.

Anyways thanks to everyone for reading! I hope you're not too disappointed that the mystery envelope will remain a mystery. Reviews are always lovely!


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